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story of a girl.
"go ahead, try to figure out what my future looks like"
I fly like paper, get high like planes 
20th-Jul-2008 07:41 pm
i'm pretty sure my last entry in here was over a year ago. i can't tell you what's brought me back here, but i do know that it's been depressing me lately that i haven't written creatively for myself in a very significant amount of time. i got so caught up just trying to do things the right way for myself the past two semesters at school that i never bothered to take a deep breath, sit down, and evaluate what i was doing from afar.

I mean, this year was one of the first times in my life that i was really involved in some sort of dating relationship the entire time. there were two situations that arose in September, but those weren't really important and i don't care to explain those lol. It all really began with Nick. it was a saturday night either in late September or early October, I was just relaxing in my room; even though it was getting pretty late i remember being exhausted and unable to decide whether I was feeling up to going out with my friends to a party. then hillary, my then next-door-neighbor, came in and convinced me that it would be a good idea to go to this formal party at the townhouses with her and kira. before i knew what was happening, i threw on my satin pink and white polka dot dress from Forever 21 and a pair of heels, and i was out the door with them. we met up with a bunch of our other friends that night, and nicole introduced me to a bunch of people. one of them was Nick. i remember him telling me right off the bat that he was from Paramus- by that point I was a few drinks in, so I was more than enthusiastic for some reaason that he lived so close to me. we talked for another hour, just asking questions back and forth, and I think I refilled my glass with some sort of really sweet drink somewhere in there. then, all of a sudden, he leaned in and kissed me. i knew it wasn't a very good idea, and i'm not usually the type to just jump into things like that ..usually. but we all depart from our norms, what's expected of us sometimes, don't we? needless to say, we had a good night, and the next day i got a text from him asking me if i'd like to go out to get coffee or dinner sometime. i was shocked at first- in my head i was like, is a COLLEGE guy, who i just met last night, seriously breaking the wait-three-days rule AND asking me out on a real date? nothing to lose, right? i texted him back and told him that i'd love to, and he texted me right back and we set a dinner date for a few days later. that was way too easy, i thought. we went to this little seafood place, Beach Cafe, and our meal was really good. so was our conversation- we kept asking each other questions and i liked that he seemed to be really interested in my writing and the fact that i wrote for the school newspaper. each time i saw him after that he would tell me that he liked my articles or notice that i didn't write that week. his paying so much attention to something i love to do excited me, and i liked the way he pursued me. after a few dates i learned that he has a passion for dining out at all different kinds of restaurants. most weeks we ended up going out to eat twice after he caught the train back from his internship in New York City, and then we spent Friday and Saturday nights together. i thought everything was going well until the day we sat down in Starbucks and he told me he didn't want a relationship, that he wasn't ready for one right then, that he was sorry if he led me on and let me expect that. how could i not expect that? how could i not assume that this was what he wanted, when he did everything to suggest the opposite? inviting me out all the time, barely even talking to other girls when we were together. it hit me like a load of bricks when he told me that, literally. i don't really remember ever feeling that way before in my life, except for my split with kevin. it just came out of nowhere, and i told him as much. to this day i really want to believe what he told me, that it wasn't me at all. he told me without me having to pry that he couldn't even think of one thing that i had done wrong, that i was a pretty, great girl and that i had all the qualities he would want in a girlfriend. where those things and the not being ready deal connect, i still don't know. i do know that i learned alot and that, although it took a little bit of time to bounce back, that i don't regret the time we spent together. i had fun while it lasted, and it just wasn't meant to hold over in the long run.

i came home for christmas and tried to mend the way nick had hurt me. then, in early january after break, my friend erin would slip into our conversations that andrew kept bringing me up in conversation to her- saying things like "there's just something about her." Andrew had ended up rooming with nick the first semester because his rooming sitation hadn't worked out and he casually knew Nick from their accounting classes (they're both coincidentally Accounting majors). The second semester Andrew and Nick had changed their living situation (long story) so they weren't roomates anymore. I wasn't sure if i should proceed at first- I had thought Andrew was attractive all along but just never thought there could actually be something between us, just because I was dating Nick at the time. but then me, Erin, and some friends went to hang out with Andrew and his friends for the night, and the two of us ended up talking the entire time. we go together just the two of us later that week- we watched a movie in his room together. things progressed naturally from there. the calls and texts with plans kept coming, and i kept accepting them because i liked him and he seemed like a really nice, genuine guy who was really interested in me for who i was. i really knew for certain that things were going well on valentines day- we watched Lost together as we'd been doing for a couple weeks and that point, and when i first walked in the room he had set up a single red rose, a box of chocolates, and a stuffed animal on the futon so i could see it right when i walked in. then he pulled out a reed diffuser- something he had been teasing me about having at the time- from one of his drawers and gave it to me, too. it was such a good day, and i was really happy about the reed diffuser lol because i liked that he listened to me saying i liked those and that he thought of actually getting me one. a few weeks later we decided to make our relationship official. i was a little shaky at first--not because of him--but because I wasn't used to being a relationship girl! I'd had the single mindset for so long. I eased slowly into it and now I feel so comfortable with him. he tells me that he thinks i'm gorgeous or cute or sexy often, and he laughs at my jokes. he tells me that he really likes me with my curly hair. this, as insignificant as it may sound, is wildly significant in my mind. every single guys, hands down, that i have ever dated or went out with, has preferred my hair straight to curly. maybe i'm just being weird and overthinking things, but i love that he likes me the way that i am. curly hair and my craziness and all. i'm just so happy that after my battlefield record of dating that i've not only come out alive but come out holding hands with something so good. andrew actually just left my house after visiting for the weekend, and I'm so just content and happy and AH! it's just so hard being away from him this summer, but i know we'll make it through and that we both want to make it through. this is the hardest part. the riding phone lines and "I miss yous".
Comments 
21st-Jul-2008 05:12 am (UTC)
hey trace, i IMd you some of this too so it might be a little repetitive but i totally know what you mean about the curly hair thing and it IS significant! lol. i know how much it means when a guy likes your true, natural self... dan's always told me that he prefers my crazy curly hair to it straightened..he thinks it makes me look cute...and it meant a lot when he told me this because i feel like i try so hard to cover it up by straightening it. it's so important to know that a guys likes you, the true you, without anything else.

that whole story about nick is truly bizarre.. but at least he was honest with you and told you how he felt instead of flaking out with no explanation at all. it seems like he made a mature move by discussing his feelings with you, and as you already know, everything is a learning experience.

i'm so glad you found a great guy, traci. i know you've had it rough with with some real jerks in the past but by the looks of andrew's fb comments to you lol he seems like a good kid and that he adores you! it made me smile reading some of his comments to you because you absolutely deserve to feel that good.
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