i woke up so affected. for once i'm stumbling for words. stumbling.
got pretty drunk friday night, jumped around. i like to dance like a lunatic. joe laughed at me the entire night and i hope to god that those pictures do not surface on facebook. last night i felt like being calm, wandered around trumbull mall with michele and just reflected on our lives and the people around us. then i stayed in with her and wrote my essay, then lauren sara jen and al turned up and we hung out. later on that night hilary came back absolutely drunk and apparently locked herself in the bathroom with pills. which we don't think she got the chance to take. i saw her come out of her room and into emily's and the look on her face scared the shit out of me. she was beyond the term mess. then paul came in and screamed at the top of his lungs at her and said things that just left me in awe. total awe. i used to have the worst opinion of him, but now i have gained so much respect for him that it's incredible. what was screamed in that room was so intense. sitting on the floor outside her door just listening to that was probably one of the most intense experiences i've ever had. i almost cried so many times. it changed something in me. alcohol isn't something to mess with. it can kill you. i'm not saying it can't be fun, and that it's not part of college life if you decide to do so, but when you pass certain limits it's fucking scary. i feel like no one can really, truly comprehend that. i didnt either before everything.
oh, and then john decides to randomly jump back into my life and ask me to hang out two nights ago. and then he asked me again last night. it's so hard. i passed both times. but it's getting increasingly difficult to stand my ground against him and stay the hell away. i can't hide the fact that i'm attracted to him for some inexplicable reason, i feel the pull, and i just can't go near him or we're just gonna fall into the same routine we used to be in. ugh. well, i'm a month and few days strong.
but despite the craziness, i am really happy lately. i'm staying here next year with michele. i'm starting to love it here i'm working on a freelance project for this company, and my column is getting published next week with a headshot. i'm so happy about that. life is crazy beautiful.