I was in the shoe department of Macy's today betwixt satin Steve Madden pumps and sparkly Alfani heels when I realized where I went wrong this semester. i know people don't usually have revelations while in the process of tracking down tired sales associates who don't really want anything to do with finding you the right size in an overcrowded, dank stock room but what can i say? it happens. i've been saying it and The Perks of Being a Wallflower just reminded me. i need to participate more. not just in the raise-your-hand and speak your mind way, but in life. you know how some people go out of their way to get what they want? that's never been me. i wish it was, but it's not. this typology of people are not afraid to be aggressive and pushy. i go after what i want, sure, but it's more subtle. I just don't have the nerve to be excessively domineering. when i get my way it's more because i was pushy in the most subtle of ways that i can't even begin to describe or explain. i guess why i've been not been quite the happy camper at fairfield is largely because i started to get involved, i started to push for what i really want to do, and then mid way through i kind of lost my force, direction, and purpose. I lost my drive to get involved with the paper, I stopped taking the initiative to show interest in hanging out with new people or even the people I was starting to get to know, and I lost a sense of where I wanted to go. I was spinning in circles and even when I stopped or tried to hit the brakes the wheels just kept spinning. amidst the various clubs shouting for me to sign up, amidst the friends telling me I should do this or that, amidst my teachers trying to tell me what they wanted from me, amidst Michele feeding me advice and John coming around when it was convenient for him, I forgot what I wanted. And since I didn't know what I wanted, I couldn't possibly go after it. i couldn't even try to pretend i was secure and going in a meaningful direction because my head was swimming with should i do this, should i hang out with this person, should i apply, should i tell him, should i yell at my roomate for doing this. should i should i should i.
what do i want? I know this. I want to give Fairfield another chance. I want to get a job there, join Art Club, and apply for assisant editor of the Commentary section. I want to call up res life and apply to change rooms. I want to work harder and get better grades. I want to make an outstanding effort to be more outgoing. I want to be confident about everything I say. I want to stand up to John if he tries anything and tell him NO, NOT THIS TIME. I want to eat healthy. I want to be one of those kids you just look at in the middle of class and think wow, she knows something. I want to know my limits. I want to be okay with not drinking anything. I want to accept my mistakes and move forward knowing that I can do so much better and be deliriously happy that I'm being given another chance to start over.
I want I want I want.
I'm gonna do it this time.
I want my word to mean something.
I want everything.
The ordinary is not enough, it's never been enough.
I want to take 2007 by the reins and PULL
i've grown so much. i've learned about who i am. i've been weak. i've landed myself in the hospital, and i've accepted the way john treated me. I've missed my friends so much at home that it hurt. but I've also been strong. I basically got the shit beaten out of me this year, but I'm thinking there's no reason I should stay on the ground. It's time to make a change. A change I've wanted for so long. I'm doing me, I'm going after what I want, I'm living the college life like any other lost and confused teenager and somewhere between all the chaos, all the colors, all the emotions and feelings and pain, I'm growing. I'm growing on this New Year's Eve. growing, growing............................gone