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story of a girl.
"go ahead, try to figure out what my future looks like"
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i'm pretty sure my last entry in here was over a year ago. i can't tell you what's brought me back here, but i do know that it's been depressing me lately that i haven't written creatively for myself in a very significant amount of time. i got so caught up just trying to do things the right way for myself the past two semesters at school that i never bothered to take a deep breath, sit down, and evaluate what i was doing from afar.

I mean, this year was one of the first times in my life that i was really involved in some sort of dating relationship the entire time. there were two situations that arose in September, but those weren't really important and i don't care to explain those lol. It all really began with Nick. it was a saturday night either in late September or early October, I was just relaxing in my room; even though it was getting pretty late i remember being exhausted and unable to decide whether I was feeling up to going out with my friends to a party. then hillary, my then next-door-neighbor, came in and convinced me that it would be a good idea to go to this formal party at the townhouses with her and kira. before i knew what was happening, i threw on my satin pink and white polka dot dress from Forever 21 and a pair of heels, and i was out the door with them. we met up with a bunch of our other friends that night, and nicole introduced me to a bunch of people. one of them was Nick. i remember him telling me right off the bat that he was from Paramus- by that point I was a few drinks in, so I was more than enthusiastic for some reaason that he lived so close to me. we talked for another hour, just asking questions back and forth, and I think I refilled my glass with some sort of really sweet drink somewhere in there. then, all of a sudden, he leaned in and kissed me. i knew it wasn't a very good idea, and i'm not usually the type to just jump into things like that ..usually. but we all depart from our norms, what's expected of us sometimes, don't we? needless to say, we had a good night, and the next day i got a text from him asking me if i'd like to go out to get coffee or dinner sometime. i was shocked at first- in my head i was like, is a COLLEGE guy, who i just met last night, seriously breaking the wait-three-days rule AND asking me out on a real date? nothing to lose, right? i texted him back and told him that i'd love to, and he texted me right back and we set a dinner date for a few days later. that was way too easy, i thought. we went to this little seafood place, Beach Cafe, and our meal was really good. so was our conversation- we kept asking each other questions and i liked that he seemed to be really interested in my writing and the fact that i wrote for the school newspaper. each time i saw him after that he would tell me that he liked my articles or notice that i didn't write that week. his paying so much attention to something i love to do excited me, and i liked the way he pursued me. after a few dates i learned that he has a passion for dining out at all different kinds of restaurants. most weeks we ended up going out to eat twice after he caught the train back from his internship in New York City, and then we spent Friday and Saturday nights together. i thought everything was going well until the day we sat down in Starbucks and he told me he didn't want a relationship, that he wasn't ready for one right then, that he was sorry if he led me on and let me expect that. how could i not expect that? how could i not assume that this was what he wanted, when he did everything to suggest the opposite? inviting me out all the time, barely even talking to other girls when we were together. it hit me like a load of bricks when he told me that, literally. i don't really remember ever feeling that way before in my life, except for my split with kevin. it just came out of nowhere, and i told him as much. to this day i really want to believe what he told me, that it wasn't me at all. he told me without me having to pry that he couldn't even think of one thing that i had done wrong, that i was a pretty, great girl and that i had all the qualities he would want in a girlfriend. where those things and the not being ready deal connect, i still don't know. i do know that i learned alot and that, although it took a little bit of time to bounce back, that i don't regret the time we spent together. i had fun while it lasted, and it just wasn't meant to hold over in the long run.

i came home for christmas and tried to mend the way nick had hurt me. then, in early january after break, my friend erin would slip into our conversations that andrew kept bringing me up in conversation to her- saying things like "there's just something about her." Andrew had ended up rooming with nick the first semester because his rooming sitation hadn't worked out and he casually knew Nick from their accounting classes (they're both coincidentally Accounting majors). The second semester Andrew and Nick had changed their living situation (long story) so they weren't roomates anymore. I wasn't sure if i should proceed at first- I had thought Andrew was attractive all along but just never thought there could actually be something between us, just because I was dating Nick at the time. but then me, Erin, and some friends went to hang out with Andrew and his friends for the night, and the two of us ended up talking the entire time. we go together just the two of us later that week- we watched a movie in his room together. things progressed naturally from there. the calls and texts with plans kept coming, and i kept accepting them because i liked him and he seemed like a really nice, genuine guy who was really interested in me for who i was. i really knew for certain that things were going well on valentines day- we watched Lost together as we'd been doing for a couple weeks and that point, and when i first walked in the room he had set up a single red rose, a box of chocolates, and a stuffed animal on the futon so i could see it right when i walked in. then he pulled out a reed diffuser- something he had been teasing me about having at the time- from one of his drawers and gave it to me, too. it was such a good day, and i was really happy about the reed diffuser lol because i liked that he listened to me saying i liked those and that he thought of actually getting me one. a few weeks later we decided to make our relationship official. i was a little shaky at first--not because of him--but because I wasn't used to being a relationship girl! I'd had the single mindset for so long. I eased slowly into it and now I feel so comfortable with him. he tells me that he thinks i'm gorgeous or cute or sexy often, and he laughs at my jokes. he tells me that he really likes me with my curly hair. this, as insignificant as it may sound, is wildly significant in my mind. every single guys, hands down, that i have ever dated or went out with, has preferred my hair straight to curly. maybe i'm just being weird and overthinking things, but i love that he likes me the way that i am. curly hair and my craziness and all. i'm just so happy that after my battlefield record of dating that i've not only come out alive but come out holding hands with something so good. andrew actually just left my house after visiting for the weekend, and I'm so just content and happy and AH! it's just so hard being away from him this summer, but i know we'll make it through and that we both want to make it through. this is the hardest part. the riding phone lines and "I miss yous".
15th-Apr-2007 03:00 am - laugh until you cry
i had a really great day today. got up, went to brunch with hillary and nicole. then stayed til al got there. we decided to go into town shopping at Black Rock so we got all excited only to find out the shuttle there didn't start until 4. so. al decided not to go since she had her hot date with Dewitt (DO IT!) lol and uh me and hil were desperate so we walked a good two miles there. it was nice out though and we had fun on the way there. we went into starbucks and rested up there for awhile, then we walked down to Old Navy, Gap, and the deli because Hil's always hungry(yet a stick). then finally we came back, went to dinner, went BACK into town to Border's where we just kind of browsed through books and magazines for an hour. got MORE coffee lol. went back, wandered into random peoples' rooms, then FINALLY concluded the evening by seeing The Reaping. and getting harrassed by the cab driver. well, kind of. i personally think this could classify as sexual harrassment, but whatever. michele just asked the guy where he was from, and he was like, "my father's penis." WTF? then he started talking about how we're living through the apocolypse now. wierdo. i'm never taking cabs again, you never know what you're getting yourself into. so after all that hoopla, me hil nicole michele al and marisa came back and had multitudes of intelligent conversation. i just walked back with marisa now and she's really funny. not to be stereotypical or anything but marisa's black and she's also gay, and i hate how people must judge her. but yeah. absolutely loved today. it was some quality bonding time and now i'm gonna attempt a good night's rest-ha like that'll happen with these lushes.
18th-Feb-2007 09:50 pm - meltdown
yeah so, life was peachy but apparently god didn't get the memo that i want to be happy.

i come home for the weekend looking for, i don't know, maybe some peace? and all i get is my family falling to pieces. i only got out once thus far the entire weekend, and it's been a fucking mess for 72 hours straight. it all comes down to my brother. he sits on the computer day in and day out playing games, and he won't listen to a thing my parents say. he just curses at them, throws things, yells, and gets violent. he got two Fs on his report card and has so much work to make up because he constantly skips school. it's been ongoing for the past year, but i think it got twice as worse since i left in early september. there's no getting through to him. my parents can't deal, and my mom seriously has been wanting to move out and get away from him. she's been arguing on and off with my dad, and today she flipped and starts yelling and says she's moving out. my dad managed to calm her down, but then my brother starts in again and now she's not talking to anyone and claims she's not doing anything for anyone anymore. including me. what the hell do i have to do with this? i've been away. and you know what? thank the lord. fine don't do anything for me. and then my dad walks in my room and doesn't say anything so i'm like what do you WANT? and he's like we may end up getting a divorce. i can't deal with this crap anymore. it's like this is the first time this shit has come up, either. the last family breakdown was new years eve. and actually, it's come up for the last fews years and probably before that. yeah divorce means my world falls apart and i probably can't go to fairfield anymore. it's like we're cutting corners now, well if they split i sure as hell can't go there. that's my only string of happiness right now. i can't deal with the thought of not going there anymore. fuck them i'm going back tomorrow and not answering their calls. and i'm getting money to go there. i'll file independent on the FAFSAs and bust my ass applying for scholarships. i am fucking going there. thats all i fucking want.

yeah and steph and i are slowly growing apart. it's like brant this brant that. well don't come to me when you're lonely. i can't deal with that either. i need stability. i feel like every single relationship i have with every single person i know is not really stable, with maybe two exceptions. i feel abandoned by steph, and lonely in jersey, there's nothing for me here anymore. it used to be my home and my happiness but now it's just heartache. i want to go back to fairfield and talk to michele and al and lauren. at least  i can count on them for everything. but at the same time it's like i have to constantly be reminded of john and what an asshole he was to me. at least he knows it. but still. why the hell must it always be me. i feel like nothing can ever be good for a long period of time. it's like things are going good for traci? no, no. here's some heartbreak for her. here's some tears. here's some bad news. hey, here's some divorce. you work hard all your life to get into the college you want to go to? well guess what, you get a scholarship, you get in, but now you can't go there anymore. it's being taken away because your family is falling apart. you want this boy? no, no, you can't have him either. of course not. WELL NO fuck that. i'm sick of it. i've been through enough tears and lows times in my life. i'm past that. i've moved on. i don't want any part of that, but IT LOVES TO FOLLOW ME.

this summer is going to be horrendous. if steph keeps acting the way she is, she's one less person i want to be around. alex will probably be in north carolina or whatever, di will be here thank the lord, so will cor. but yeah. i guess i'll just get a job and work every day. who knows where i'll be even living if my family keeps at it. 

ugh. i'm definately PMSing and having a mental breakdown.
4th-Feb-2007 03:47 pm - all i want is something real
i woke up so affected. for once i'm stumbling for words. stumbling.

got pretty drunk friday night, jumped around. i like to dance like a lunatic. joe laughed at me the entire night and i hope to god that those pictures do not surface on facebook. last night i felt like being calm, wandered around trumbull mall with michele and just reflected on our lives and the people around us. then i stayed in with her and wrote my essay, then lauren sara jen and al turned up and we hung out. later on that night hilary came back absolutely drunk and apparently locked herself in the bathroom with pills. which we don't think she got the chance to take. i saw her come out of her room and into emily's and the look on her face scared the shit out of me. she was beyond the term mess.  then paul came in and screamed at the top of his lungs at her and said things that just left me in awe. total awe. i used to have the worst opinion of him, but now i have gained so much respect for him that it's incredible. what was screamed in that room was so intense. sitting on the floor outside her door just listening to that was probably one of the most intense experiences i've ever had. i almost cried so many times. it changed something in me. alcohol isn't something to mess with. it can kill you. i'm not saying it can't be fun, and that it's not part of college life if you decide to do so, but when you pass certain limits it's fucking scary. i feel like no one can really, truly comprehend that. i didnt either before everything.

oh, and then john decides to randomly jump back into my life and ask me to hang out two nights ago. and then he asked me again last night. it's so hard. i passed both times. but it's getting increasingly difficult to stand my ground against him and stay the hell away. i can't hide the fact that i'm attracted to him for some inexplicable reason, i feel the pull, and i just can't go near him or we're just gonna fall into the same routine we used to be in. ugh. well, i'm a month and few days strong.

but despite the craziness, i am really happy lately.
i'm staying here next year with michele.
i'm starting to love it here
i'm working on a freelance project for this company, and my column is getting published next week with a headshot.
i'm so happy about that.
life is crazy beautiful.
16th-Jan-2007 05:18 pm(no subject)
fuck I hate it here.
*edit: I need to stop complaining.
14th-Jan-2007 12:37 pm - the heart

time is running out, and I feel kind of like a reverse Dorothy. i'm back in this place I've come to love right down to each stitch and seam, and the fabric is slowly tearing apart and telling me it's time to go "home." only I don't want to. this is my home, not fairfield. the people i love are all here. saying adieu to everyone I've reconnected with for a month is proving to be nearly as hard as those painful days back in late August when I hugged everyone half to suffocation and cried enough tears to rival the capacity of the Atlantic Ocean. I know this for the first time. I used to be a bit of a "Jersey hater," in love with a dream of sashaying off to California (and don't get me wrong, I'm every bit the starry-eyed West coast dreamer I once was), but now I realize I'm in love with the Garden State, with the Turnpike dirty as it may be, with the overcrowding and city-like conditions, with suburbia, with the place I can honestly say I grew up. and I guess I have to face just that fact-that I'm growing up, that goodbyes are part of life, that this is what I have to do, this is what I have to overcome, to comply with adulthood and what the world is asking of me, and what I'm asking of myself.

31st-Dec-2006 06:01 pm - growing*

I was in the shoe department of Macy's today betwixt satin Steve Madden pumps and sparkly Alfani heels when I realized where I went wrong this semester. i know people don't usually have revelations while in the process of tracking down tired sales associates who don't really want anything to do with finding you the right size in an overcrowded, dank stock room but what can i say? it happens. i've been saying it and The Perks of Being a Wallflower just reminded me. i need to participate more. not just in the raise-your-hand and speak your mind way, but in life. you know how some people go out of their way to get what they want? that's never been me. i wish it was, but it's not. this typology of people are not afraid to be aggressive and pushy. i go after what i want, sure, but it's more subtle. I just don't have the nerve to be excessively domineering. when i get my way it's more because i was pushy in the most subtle of ways that i can't even begin to describe or explain. i guess why i've been not been quite the happy camper at fairfield is largely because i started to get involved, i started to push for what i really want to do, and then mid way through i kind of lost my force, direction, and purpose. I lost my drive to get involved with the paper, I stopped taking the initiative to show interest in hanging out with new people or even the people I was starting to get to know, and I lost a sense of where I wanted to go. I was spinning in circles and even when I stopped or tried to hit the brakes the wheels just kept spinning. amidst the various clubs shouting for me to sign up, amidst the friends telling me I should do this or that, amidst my teachers trying to tell me what they wanted from me, amidst Michele feeding me advice and John coming around when it was convenient for him, I forgot what I wanted. And since I didn't know what I wanted, I couldn't possibly go after it. i couldn't even try to pretend i was secure and going in a meaningful direction because my head was swimming with should i do this, should i hang out with this person, should i apply, should i tell him, should i yell at my roomate for doing this. should i should i should i.

what do i want? I know this. I want to give Fairfield another chance. I want to get a job there, join Art Club, and apply for assisant editor of the Commentary section. I want to call up res life and apply to change rooms. I want to work harder and get better grades. I want to make an outstanding effort to be more outgoing. I want to be confident about everything I say. I want to stand up to John if he tries anything and tell him NO, NOT THIS TIME. I want to eat healthy. I want to be one of those kids you just look at in the middle of class and think wow, she knows something. I want to know my limits. I want to be okay with not drinking anything. I want to accept my mistakes and move forward knowing that I can do so much better and be deliriously happy that I'm being given another chance to start over.

I want I want I want.

I'm gonna do it this time.
I want my word to mean something.
I want everything.
The ordinary is not enough, it's never been enough.
I want to take 2007 by the reins and PULL

i've grown so much. i've learned about who i am. i've been weak. i've landed myself in the hospital, and i've accepted the way john treated me. I've missed my friends so much at home that it hurt. but I've also been strong. I basically got the shit beaten out of me this year, but I'm thinking there's no reason I should stay on the ground. It's time to make a change. A change I've wanted for so long. I'm doing me, I'm going after what I want, I'm living the college life like any other lost and confused teenager and somewhere between all the chaos, all the colors, all the emotions and feelings and pain, I'm growing. I'm growing on this New Year's Eve. growing, growing............................gone

20th-Dec-2006 11:34 pm - static to the sound of you and i
I really feel as if this entire week just accumulated into one big countdown until tomorrow, when I can go home. I am exhausted to the bone, and I'm over worked. And I got myself in over my head with John because well, I didn't listen to my head. The rational side of me made sense all along, but I shoved it aside and went with what I wanted in the moment. (*edit because diana pointed out you'll probably get the wrong idea; it's not what you think lol. I meant just in general.) And I don't regret any of it. But I can't help but feel that with him, there's no end and no beginning. that it hasn't really progressed or diminished. but that really hasn't been bothering me as much as I thought it would. I don't know where the hell we stand because he hasn't made any effort to talk to me, and me, I'm playing along. Whatevs. He can come to me. The work has really been my greatest source of pain. Or I've been, rather. I'm too much of an overachiever, so finals kill me because I literally sit and I study and study and study and when I take a break and try to hang out with people i just feel guilty for not being more productive. god what to do with myself. oh well, one more to go. then it's all lounging around watching Lifetime movies and Vh1 and movies and Garden State and high school parties with cor lmao. I am truly going to miss Michele and Lauren, even Andrew and Truong and Nicole and Hilary's drunkeness and Al and everyone. Michele gave me my Christmas present that we picked out together today ♥ and I'm so glad we kept in touch since we met at orientation. she keeps me sane here, and Lauren's really hysterical, I'm sure me her and Andrew will meet up over break and stir up some trouble. As for tomorrow, can't wait to Fine Grind it with Tara and whoever and then hopefully finish some christmas shopping up with cor!
3rd-Dec-2006 10:48 am(no subject)
i am a stupid girl who gets caught up in the moment. remind me never to be so ridiculous again.
30th-Oct-2006 08:25 pm - i apologize in advance for this-
fuck boys. they ruin my life. in particular fuck you john hart.


and sick of being lied to. sick of fakeness. sick of people stepping on me.

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